The Reason for Marriage - Chapter 9.1

Iveca’s mind began to wander down a path she found all too familiar since this had all started. She found herself married to what appeared to be a sweet and gentle husband, who was also capable of teaching her pleasures that she could not have ever imagined before in bed despite his nervousness. But wasn’t there supposed to be love in a marriage? Hers seemed a thoroughly political marriage that had not troubled itself with love from the very beginning.

As the word love played on her mind, she thought, for the first time in what seemed like forever, of Anriq. Daniel always entered her palace alone without a guard. What had happened between the two of them? Iveca thought back to their conversation in the gardens, an age ago, and how he had spoken of Daniel’s knowledge of their shared past. The feeling left her cold.

Before she could dwell on it for too long, the King’s voice came back to her from the darkness of the secret passage.

“Your Majesty,” Iveca said in a low voice, still following a complicated path in the darkness through her head to match the one she was on, “Why did you choose me?

The question escaped her before she had any chance to stop it. The King frowned, then sat and gestured for her to continue. Iveca hated, loathed even, to see whoever she was talking to hide or just not answer her questions. Of course, she had no choice but to grow up surrounded by that kind of environment, but all that did was stoke the fires of it all the more. For every time she had heard the words “You are someone else’s daughter, get out!” from her father, or her mother had said “You can’t take Esselburn as your last name. You are the stableman’s daughter,” or her older sisters had quipped and teased her “You’re not my younger sister,” or even thought of kicking her out themselves. The not-so-subtle discrimination and stinging gazes bothered her even now, while at the same time kept her from giving up the terrible hope that she still might be an Esselburn.

Iveca couldn’t help but constantly be wary of what others might think. None of them were as kind to her as Anriq had been in those days. Anriq drew a line at a decisive moment of her life; even the maid kept a strange distance from Iveca. And now there was Daniel, his kindness clear and obvious but somehow not matching that which she knew from her childhood friend. So she needed her questions answered, she told herself. To figure out how Daniel felt about her.

“Even though I’m physically twenty-two, mentally I’m eighteen now. Whatever you want me to do, I am not sure whether I can do it well.”

No matter how kindly or thoroughly Raina explained what has happened in the past four years, there must be a gap, Iveca thought. She was afraid that she would inevitably miss something in that void.

“Iveca,” Daniel spoke softly, fondly, “A desire to do well, doubting your limitations, these two things are enough for me. I don’t want you to be perfect; I know you will do well. I will trust you until the end.”

The words were sweet and touching, but Iveca didn’t respond. His abstract words didn’t give her any information. So, what was Iveca’s job in the Judicial Affair Bureau without getting involved in politics? Daniel seemed to be saying something that he had to think about thoroughly, strangely side-stepping her questions and repeating safe words while hiding something. The King was kind to her but wasn’t honest. Iveca couldn’t help but feel she was not in a position to protest against him, however.

“Even so, I am deeply sorry that I brought you here in a hurry, considering you are still eighteen, mentally.”

Raina’s words echoed in Iveca’s head now.

“…It was my choice to erase those memories anyway.”

Iveca, who was not eighteen or twenty-two, replied slowly while continuing to take her steps down the dark road in her head, one so dark that it made someone unable to see anything in front of them. It seemed far too similar to the one she was walking, and ones she knew she would have to walk in the future.

“An officer from the Bureau of Investigation came to visit me this afternoon.”

“What did they have to trouble you with?”

“It was no trouble,” said Iveca, “it just made me feel lonely. To think of my old colleagues. They thought highly of me, I’m told.”

After Iveca spoke impulsively in the dark, it suddenly occurred to her that Daniel was also a very lonely man. All three of his siblings either died or went far away. Iveca wasn’t the only one who was neglected by her family and who now had no colleagues. But to her surprise, the topic seemed to amuse him, as Daniel replied with a slight laugh in his voice.

“Iveca?”

“Yes?”

“What would happen if I let go of your hand?”

Iveca was surprised for a moment and could not answer. If she went back the way she came before, she could return to the Queen’s palace, but that was not what he meant. In the dark secret passageway that made you unable to see what was up front, she could only feel the warmth of his hand and his affectionate voice.

“Why have you been following this dangerous path?”