The Reason for Marriage - Chapter 45.2

After leaving the King’s office, Iveca headed straight to the training ground.

She needed to compartmentalize her invading thoughts and emotions but could not seem to succeed without exerting her body. The King, whom she’d met after two months had now confessed his emotions to his heart’s content. Daniel hadn’t always been open with his emotions and Iveca felt shocked at knowing he’d deliberately sent her away because of his feelings towards her. She felt touched by his thoughtfulness.

The Queen should not be dead. She liked her life at the Bureau of Investigation and her feelings hadn’t yet changed. How had she now become the Queen with a false identity? Iveca couldn’t refuse him at once because her heart sped too fast.

How could she find the resolve to reject him on the spot? He’d confessed his feelings and while she’d looked into his blue eyes, her tongue wouldn’t move with her thoughts.

Feeling disillusioned, Iveca entered the training ground where the other members of the Bureau of Investigation conducted physical training. However, today, the ground was empty as everyone was on their respective duties and only her manager Wiles trained alone.

“Eve? What are you doing here at this hour?” He asked, sweat trickling down his face.

“I finished my report early today, and I am a little tired,” She explained with a grin, pretending to be calm.

“What are you doing at this hour, manager?” She inquired of him, hoping to keep the conversation steered off herself.

“Well, I am the physical education instructor in college, right? I’ve got to work on building up my body whenever I have time,” He replied and Iveca nodded.

“I’ll stay here for a little while, please refrain from mentioning it to the office,” she asked him tiredly.

“Buy me a cup of coffee later, and I’ll pretend you never came.” He replied playfully with a dumbbell in his hand. Iveca picked up a dagger and flung it towards the target without hesitation. She needed utmost concentration and immersion for her skill and it helped focus her thoughts. She grabbed the hilt of her dumbbell for another throw and then it came to her;

That moment.

The imperial army kept pouring in like wet cement, multiplying one after another no matter how much she attacked. She’d throw a dagger and kill one person, and five more appeared behind her. No matter how fast she threw, she could not keep up with the imposing currents and she wasn’t confident in her skills in close combat.

General Manager Justin, her royal music director, who loved and cared for her despite her false identity, died instantly. She screamed at the throngs of her people, willing them to leave but they were too slow, and everyone she knew fell in front of her.

She hadn’t thrown a dagger since, and this was her first time. She tried to course her strength into her hand but it trembled helplessly.

Iveca began seeing spots behind her eyes as the undercurrents of her memories rushed forward—like a dam that had broken and the water spilling out mercilessly. She remembered Rihan Kadmin and cringed as she recalled how easily he’d blocked her throw despite her accuracy. He’d pushed her body and pressed against her and it was the first time Iveca had foreseen her death. However, he managed to get away without being injured, and Iveca had to live with the fact that she’d let a dangerous killer live and be free.

Lucas was so worried that he used his authority of the Bureau of Investigation, but she had screwed it up.

Her left hand did not move, despite her willing it to.

The moment she’d grabbed her dagger, a trauma she’d dredged deep within herself, hoping she’d forget, welled out like a pus-filled wound, threatening to break and infect her body. She was filled with crippling fear and the sense of helplessness she’d felt during the war returned. Despite everything she’d tried to protect her people, she’d failed and she was the only one who’d survived.

Despite pretending she was okay, and despite suppressing the toxic self-loathing she had for herself and pretending to be normal around other people, Iveca could not hold those feelings back the second she’d held that damned dagger.

She couldn’t throw it, she couldn’t. She didn’t do anything to save them.

No matter how much she threw, there was no end to the enemy, and she quickly ran out. The visions of her running through the corpses covered with blood, her colleagues’ dead bodies piling by the second ceased her breathing as if she’d been punched in the gut. What was the point of all of this? She didn’t deserve to survive. Everyone had died but herself. The hallucinations of the war and the imperial army kept flashing before her eyes and she felt herself shivering uncontrollably.

“Eve! Eve, wake up!” She heard a distant voice calling her.

She came to and saw Wiles shaking her shoulders, freeing her from her hallucinogenic dreams. “Eve! Are you okay?” Wiles asked, his voice pained with worry.

“M…Manager.”

“What is wrong? What is going on with you?” He asked insistently but she could not answer. She felt the dagger slip from her fingers and nausea suffocated her.

Iveca couldn’t sleep. She did not let herself go to her dormitory, but rather holed herself up in the training room, staring at the target menacingly. However, when it was time for her to throw a dagger, her mind kept reeling and eventually, her hands shook so badly, she couldn’t throw. She couldn’t even reach half the distance between herself and the target.

“Eve, stop it.”

Sid, who had been watching her wrestle for hours, touched her shoulder with a concerned face.

“I’ve been through what you’re going through, and it’s natural how you’re reacting. Stop forcing yourself to come to terms with this so quickly.”

Eve kept her eyes trained at her target and tried to ignore Sid.

“I’m weak at arm-to-arm combat and I lose my strength easily. These days, magic is not as easy as it used to be,” she confessed in a low voice.

“And If I can’t even do long-distance combat, I’m useless for the Bureau of Investigation,” she continued.